"I just wanted to tell you ive got scabs on my head. It's useless to live."

What is it that feels so wrong? That churns your body when you breathe in the morning? It's that people dont love each other, they're just grateful that someone will spend time with them and help them. Or maybe its that some people do love one another but aren't grateful that people are spending time with them and helping them.

It's that all we want to do is punish evil, but the urge to punish is in and of itself evil. It's that effort is invisible and that the thought doesnt count. Although it should. Something bad happened to most of us when we were 14 and it gets in the way of our understanding of what love is.

I could do more to show my love to others but it makes my stomach hurt. And sometimes I get in that state where I dont feel anything for anyone and I play with these ugly flawed dolls in my mind. And I dont want to touch them and I dont want them touching me. I dont want to be involved because its all stupid and I cant stop anything from happening. I just dont take anything personally anymore. Almost nothing has anything to do with me, yet I still feel it all happen with my eyes open in an anesthetic awareness. My only constant ambition in life is to avoid hurting anyone. Which is pathetic. My pathetic concern with fairness.

Punishing evil. The futility of punishing evil. Exposing myself to anger and leaving untouched. Exposing myself to affection and leaving untouched. Walking through life with a screen in my hand. The core of myself is an lonely angry child I've painted over with 50,000 layers of automotive paint. Come here, kiss me, and walk away with your lips blue.

I just wanted to tell you ive got scabs on my head. I can enjoy hanging out with people and not like them. I can benefit from social interaction with out enjoying myself. I can be miserable and make money off it. I can take the bus to reno.